Chained

9 years ago, I moved to Canada. I left my family, my friends, my school, and my church behind. The family I grew up with. The friends I’ve known my whole life. The school that taught me everything. The church I grew up in with my role models and my friends. I built relationships. Many relationships with teachers, friends, family.

I came to Canada. Struggling to maintain those relationships. Struggling to build new ones. For a whole year, I was one foot in one foot out. Until one day, at a friend’s birthday dinner, we played a game. A game where everyone asked each other questions (kind of like truth or dare except it was always truth). I was put on the spot and asked so many questions about myself. I was so upset that day; I went home crying. That day, I built friendships some of which stayed with me to this day. Friendships that I cherish, friendships that I will always appreciate. I built friendships but many years later I realized that some of those relationships were toxic. I did not know it then. Believe it or not, I started putting the pieces together when I got involved in yet another toxic friendship many years later. There is that sense of obsession, that sense of ownership. A feeling of discomfort and jealousy that consumes the relationship. It can be chocking and unbearable.

When you’re dealing with a toxic person, you constantly fear confronting them because you know that somehow the tables will turn, and you will be in the wrong. You will find yourself walking on eggshells worrying you might ruin the conversation. You will always feel unsure about how they feel about you. You will find yourself constantly apologizing because you’re always at fault. Your requests and demands will be too much but their requests and demands you cannot say no to otherwise you don’t love them; you don’t care for them; you don't appreciate them. You will go to bed wondering if and why they’re upset, constantly assuring them you never meant any harm. You will want them to reassure you constantly that they are not upset with you and that they will be always there for you. You will always be unsure about where you stand with them. You will always be wondering and lacking confidence.

“You need to make time for your friends. Doesn’t matter if you have important things going on.”

“I am not feeling well, I need to talk, and you need to listen right now.”

“I never said that it’s all in your head.”

“You’re too sensitive.”

“Why does everything have to be your way?”

“You’re making a big deal out of this. Why are you so upset?”

These are example of what you will hear in a toxic relationship, in a friendship, or any toxic environment for that matter. Phrases and sentences that will only make you feel worse every single conversation about yourself. Things you will hear that will make you feel worthless, that will make you doubt yourself.

We are forced to believe that being sensitive correlates with weakness. However, being sensitive is understanding your feelings, understanding other people’s feelings. You are not naïve, you are sensitive. That is a quality not everybody possesses.

A toxic surrounding makes you weak, makes you dependent on others, makes you think that you do not have what it takes to achieve all you want. When you are told you are not allowed to be upset, when you are told, you are not allowed to have some time of your own, when you are told not to innovate, when you are told you are imagining things, you need to run the opposite direction. You might feel sad at the beginning, you might start believing what you are being told, you might think you have nowhere else to go. Believe that all of it is untrue. You are strong, independent, mature, smart and a sensitive human being. You are not being selfish, you are not being weak, you are not being a disloyal person. You’re simply looking out for yourself, your mental wellness and your overall well being.

Learn to standup for yourself. Learn to set boundaries and learn to say yes and no when inappropriate and when you want to. It takes a whole lot of courage; it takes a whole lot of practice. Be Confident…you got this. Trust Me! : )

Sandra Sobhy May 19, 2021