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I remember in Junior High, I was on a church retreat. My friends and I were sitting in a circle and we were playing a game. Each person would say a positive characterisitc and a negative characterisitc about each person. I remember most of what people said about me was "You are too nice and kind" (enty tayeba awi) and "you are too sensitive and emotional" (enty 7asasa be zyada). And all my life, people around me told me I was too sensitive and emotinal. At some point in high school, I made a decision that I need to fix this flaw. I need to work on it. I tried being tough, I tried to hide emotions, pulled back my tears when I needed to cry, hid my true feelings when someone made me angry or upset or disappointed.
I left Egypt, came to Canada, got into university and graduated. I became an expert in hiding my true feelings. One day, someone I used to know said to me you are too sensitive. And all I could think of was "are you kidding me?! I thought that was over".
I have come to realise being sensitive and emotional is not necessarily a bad thing as people when I was younger made it seem to be. People assume you're weak because you feel things on a deeper level. I am a sensitive person yes. I feel all kinds of emotions on a deeper level. I feel joy, love, sadness, anger in a way that it will completely change how I act, how I react and how I feel about the day. My mood can change completely from a small mean act, an angry word, a sweet gesture or a random act of kindness. I lose sleep when I know someone is angry or upset with me. I don't live my day knowing that I hurt someone.
I can start crying in a movie theater because the protagonist almost died or because so many were saved or because he said I love you to the woman he loved. I would tear up when someone close to me goes through a tough time, feels anger or feels sadness. I would be joyous if they are happy over the moon, laughing and smiling.
Being sensitive and emotional is a strength, it is a trait that not a lot of people have. It is a trait that helps me relate to other people. It helps me with my job when I am empathetic with my clients. It helps me be more supportive of my family. It helps me be a sister and friend to my sunday school kids. It helps be a better friend for my friends and be there for them when they need me and when they don't.
It is not a weakness. It is a strength and I am learning everyday to embrace it. I still hide my ture feelings, I hate being vulnerable in front of strangers. You would never be able to tell if I am going through a tough time or a bad day. I, however, am still emotional and too sensitive and I am okay with that.
Sandra Sobhy
March 20, 2022
