Note to self: Why I Published "Part of Your World"

Lately, I have been struggling with my blog and Instagram accounts. I have been struggling to find interesting engaging topics that will attract my audience. In November 2020, I had decided to start this blog along with an Instagram account through which I can share my thoughts, my feelings, some personal experiences, and things that I have learned in the past 27 years.

I am writing this to remind myself why I started this journey. Why I started this blog. Why I decided to publish "Part of Your World".

I had written Facebook posts every once in a while. I would receive plenty of positive feedback. Until one day, I decided to take somebody I-used-to-know 's suggestion and start a personal blog. I created a website; I created an Instagram account and I was extremely thrilled.

When I posted my first post, I had received several positive comments, several encouraging messages, my friends, and followers cheered me on. I tried as best as I can to stay consistent with posting every single day, to post stories, I even attempted a reel (but that did not go well). For about 6 weeks, I posted weekly on my blog and almost daily on my Instagram account. Christmas break ended; life got busy again so, therefore, I had made the decision to post bi-weekly instead on my blog to balance things out.

Today, we’re past mid-February in 2021 and I can no longer keep up with Instagram, my followers, the blog. My mean of expression has turned into something that caused me additional stress. It is not easy to be creative all the time. I sometimes suffer from a writer's block, lack of innovative ideas.I consistently feel pressured to post daily, since consistency is key for your account to go viral. Now reels have become the way to gain followers. It aches me when I am not inspired to post on Instagram, it hurts that I do not have the energy to support my followers and the accounts I am following concerning their content. I am not and never was a social media person. I do not spend hours posting, checking other people’s posts, and liking posts. As much as I would love to support other accounts and be part of a positive community, my Instagram account has become a burden. I have become obsessed with finding a topic to post about, I have become obsessed with how many likes I get on my new Instagram post, I have become obsessed with the number of followers and I get extremely upset if I find the number had decreased because someone unfollowed me. My mood is affected if my post has not reached a high volume of profiles. My blog has become a means of stress and obsession instead of a means of self-expression. I doubt myself sometimes when I do not receive feedback. I get discouraged when friends provide constructive criticism.

I had started this blog because I sought a safe place to share my feelings, my thoughts to express myself. I do not do well when it comes to giving speeches or public speaking, I do not do well when it comes to confrontation. God have mercy if I have to confront someone with something. I am required to prepare and think about what I have to say, I do not sleep until I get to speak to that person. and get what I have to say off-of my chest. Sometimes the confrontation is accompanied with tears and/or hysterical laughter depending on who I am speaking with. I ensure I am prepared because I am terrified that my words will deceive me. I am frightened that I would fail to communicate my thoughts fully. The reason that is because I never posses written reference. I never have the power to say something, erase it, and find a better way to untangle the words that are surfing in my mind.

I never intended for this blog to turn into a business, I never intended for this blog to become an additional chore or activity to stress me out with sleepless nights. This was never intended to go viral or gain 10k followers within a particular timeline. I created this for myself.

I am hoping that my followers and the accounts I am following would forgive me for not providing them with the support they deserve. I am hoping my eyes would stop looking at the number of followers whether when it is increasing or decreasing. I am hoping that my focus will stay on me; my focus will stay on getting what is inside my brain, organise the voices in my mind on paper.

My blog says a lot about me. If you read in between the lines, you might understand how I think, what I have been through, and what I am going through. You can comprehend what terrifies me to my soul and what cheers me up. You can get to know a layer of the many layers that make me up through this blog or my public Instagram account. If we’re close, if we’re friends, if we know each other even somewhat well, you might find a hidden message for you personally on this blog, on my public Instagram account, through my Facebook status, or my what’s app status. At the end of the day , this is how I say to the world what I want to say…by writing.

Sandra Sobhy

February 20, 2021